We don't need no stinkin wires.

While investigating a "User can not connect to the internet/network" ticket, I was also asked to help someone else in the same room. This is how that conversation went:

User: Can you get me a longer internet cord? As you can see, its stretching over my co-workers desk, and I don't want it to interfere with him. Its been like this for a week, and no one will help.

Me: [Pushes cable so it falls behind the desk that it is stretching across] Is that better?

User: .... yes.

/Facepalm

User: I need help printing.

Me: Okay. What seems to be the problem?

User: Where does the document go when I print?

Me: .... to the print device?

User: No, I mean which one?

Me: The printer you selected...?

User: But where is it?

[Nick looks over the computer and notices the user is attempting to print to "OneNote"]

Me: Well, first, you're not actually printing to a print device...

User: I know, but when this screen pops up [pointing to the OneNote image], where does it go?

Me: It goes to the screen...? The file doesn't move, it stays where you opened it from.

User: Okay, but then why can't I print it?

Me: Because you don't have an ACTUAL Printer selected.

User: I know because...

Me: Here. [Clicks on a printer] You're all set. Just hit print, and walk over to THAT printer to pick up what you want printed.

I'll be here all week....

User: I need some help when you get a second.

Me: Okay... what seems to be the problem?

User: I need your help to install a webpage.

Me: .... You need me to install a webpage?

User: Yes, I can't access *insert web page*

Me: You can't access it, or you can't get to it?

User: I can't get to it. I need you to install it.

Me: Okay, well what is the address?

User: I don't know. I just need you to install it for me.
Me: Do you know HOW a webpage works?

User: Yes, I just need you to install it.

[Walks across stage to users computer. Nick begins typing on keyboard while user looks over shoulder]

Me: So, is THIS the webpage you need installed?

User: YES! Thank you!

To be OR.....

So, there I was, minding my own business, when this woman walks into our office, stating she needs to get her profile setup on her laptop. So , I take her to the 'setup profile' station, and attempt to get her to login. It turns out, for whatever reason, the image was corrupted, and Windows was unable to verify the license. Fine, whatever, we, as IT had a solution to the problem. THAT is not where my all-star comes into play. What takes place over the next sixty seconds is what had me almost crying I was laughing so hard.

"Okay, we'll need to re-image your machine. You can either go back to your property manager and get a new computer, OR, you can wait 3-5 days for us to fix this one."

"Well, it doesn't sound like you're giving me a choice."

I smile politely and say okay, so you'll go get a replacement?

"Wait.... what? I thought you said its going to take 5 days to fix."

"I did say that, OR you can go get a replacement."

"So... what are my options?"

".... you're options are to go get a new computer, OR wait for this to be fixed."

"But, what are you going to do with this one if I go get a new computer?"
".... fix it."

"But why would I get a new computer if you're going to fix this one?"
"So you have a computer now, instead of in five days."
"So, you're going to give my property manager a broken computer?"

"No, we are going to fix this one. Whatever you decide, this computer will be fixed in three to five days, you choice is to WAIT, or NOT wait, and get a new one now."
"I don't understand."

At this point, I threw my hands up in the air. I had no other way to describe to this woman that she did in fact have a choice. Finally, she just gave up and said "You know, I'm tired, I don't want to deal with this now, I'll just wait for the computer to be fixed."

"Very good ma'am. Have a good weekend."

Wow.

Sorry, we're out of internets.

There was a power-surge in one of the buildings last night/this morning, which caused our network in the building to go 'offline'. While our network guys were fixing the problem, I was tapped to do the wonderful task of telling people as they walked in (because, they couldn't read the sign that we posted on the door), "There was a poor outage last night, and all of the internet/network at this site is currently unavailable. We are currently fixing the problem, and it will be ready when its ready."

The floor I was assigned is in fact, an "IT" floor. These people are government employee's. I had the following conversation, I kid you not, at LEAST five times.

Me: * Sch-peal*

User: Oh, well I can still user the internet right?

Me: No *Sch-peal*

User: Oh, well, I can still get email right?

Me: No, *Sch-peal*

User: Why not? It is just Outlook.

/facepalm

Whats in a name anyway?

Earlier today, I had one of the weirdest conversations of the past... well, few days anyway. I have been a part of MANY strange conversations in my day ("Who would win in a fight, a Cat or a Squirrel with a shoulder cannon?" being at the top of the list). This conversation wasn't with a user, but I still deem it blog-worthy.

As a setup, we were instructed to take inventory of all the equipment we have been issued. The email stated who we should send the email to. I am not the person. I share two common letters of my first name with the person, thats about it. His name is shorter than mine, and our last name are nothing alike.

I return to my desk after grabbing lunch, and notice someone looking at my name plate. I didn't think anything of it, until about five minutes later when I got an email with said persons equipment list. Being the smart-a$$ I am, I called him out saying I'm not the person that he needs to send this to. "Yes you are" he tells me. He then goes to my name plate and says "See?"

I look at the person next to me and say... "Yeah... thats my name, but again, I'm not the person you are suppose to send it to."

"Oh. Well, we need to change this nameplate then."

"....why?"

"Because, its not who it says it is."

"No, it does say who sits there. We don't need to change the nameplate, OR my name. You just need to send the email to the right person."

I can't make this stuff up.

User: I am having issues with my local printer. It is saying its "offline". I tried turning it off and back on again, but that didn't work.
Me: Have you tried plugging it in?
User: D'oh.