Audit-ations

User: I need you to look at a computer today. One of our auditors says his computer doesn't have the policy which is suppose to lock the screen after fifteen minutes of in-activity. This is a security issue, as it is one of our auditors, and he has sensitive information on his computer. Me: While I understand your concern, perhaps this employee should follow our rules regarding locking their computer when it is not in use. Fifteen minutes is a long time to leave a machine unlocked if you are counting on a policy to protect your files. User: You know what? That is a good point. Disregard this conversation. /facepalm

N-I-C-H......

Today I went to see an individual who was experiencing problems activiating their blackberry. They told me they have been unsuccessful the past two weeks at following the directions provided, and if I could please take the device and see if I can activated. I obliged.

I followed the directions, and sure enough the blackberry did not activate. I tried it once more, thinking that maybe there was something wrong with the connection, still it failed to activate. I was about to throw the device across the room when I thought of one POSSIBLE solution.

Now you see, Blackberry's, despite their exotic fruity naming convention, are quite simple to use. They are linked to an email account, which notifies the carrier of said device, "Hey, someone just emailed you, here is the message." Due to its ablility to keep you connected, it does require one thing. That one thing is the ability to spell. More specifically, the ability to spell your name. Our email address's (in most cases) are just our names, so this skill is very handy to have when you are inputting it into the "email address" field. Upon looking at the settings, I saw this person did not possess this skill.

There are ten letters in their name, so getting one or two confused is inevitable right?

Limbo Blackberry

Wow. It has been a long time since I have updated this blog. Here it is the Ides of March, and I am just now getting around to posting my first post on those story posting site. To be clear, I don't think my lack of writing has had to do with the lack of talent around me. This agency has not suddenly became smarter with the change of the year year (quite the contrary actually), but with all the increased work-load, I just don't have time to really take in exactly what is being said as I'm helping people. I need to change that. I can already feel the creative juice rust falling off my brain as I type this, and I need to keep my mind sharp.

There really isn't much to this other than the write up in my ticket which is as follows:
"The users Blackberry won't turn off or on."

Those Tricky Elevators

Unfortunately, this does not fall into the "computer" category. I've been pretty quiet on the blog front for the past few months, so I figured this story would be as good as any to post.

Everyone has been that guy (or girl). You are riding in an elevator, it stops and the door open. Without paying attention, you make a move to walk off when you realize that it is only the second floor, and you're trying to go to the eighth. Its normal, and by no means blog-worthy.

This person, is not that guy (or girl)".

I'm in the lobby heading back to my office which is located on the fourth floor. So, when I get on the elevator I instinctively press "4". Another person gets on right behind me, who then presses "3", I assume he works on the 3rd floor. Then boards the third person who waits until

the doors close to press her floor, which is the "M". As elevators do, it went up one floor to the "M", stopped, dung, and the doors opened. Well, she stands there for a good two seconds, until the doors start to close, and says "OH! This is my floor?!

I thought it would stop for you guys first!"

The other person and I just looked at each other and laughed once she got off.

No Title Needed

I've talked about the tier one support before, and how unimpressive their technological skills are yet never cease to amaze us with the lack of effort they put forth in their bumbling attempts to "help" people. For every person I blog about (which apparenlty has been in the 60's), there are at least two stories of these bafoons I could tell but choose not to because the conversations only last a few seconds. They will ask things like "Why can't this person get on the internet?" To which I/we will reply "Are they connected to it?" "Oh, I didn't ask... hang on". That is but a small example of what we deal with. It is really more the lack of effort than the actual questions. Not knowing something is one thing, but not even TRYING is something else.



This time... I can't help but share. I was so excited, I dropped the phone, and proclaimed this to be the BEST phone call I have ever recieved, and will stop taking calls from our tier one due to never being able to top it.



Caller: This is *insert name here*. I have a question for you. Where is the power-button on the *insert workstation type*.

Me: As in... the button you press to turn it on?

Caller: Yes.

Me: So... it IS plugged in... you just don't know how to activate it?

Caller: Correct.

Me: Have you tried looking at the FRONT of the box?

Caller: Well... no... I mean... I can't find it.

Me: Check the frong again... there should be a power-button right above the Dell logo.

Caller: Oh... okay... thanks...



Wow.....

More Bars; More Stupidity

It took me a couple of days, but I was finally able to arrange an appointment with this one particualry indiviudal who apparently, needed their blackberry setup. I emailed them a few minutes before I left my office to make sure they where at their desk. They where, so, off I went. I walked to the stair case right outside my door, went up the two floors, and crossed a hallway to get to this persons desk. It was a TOTAL, of no more than 30 feet (as a crow flies anyway).
The following conversation took place between the hours of 730.30 and 730.37. The converstaion happened in real-time.

"Hi, I'm Nick, I'm with IT."
*confused look* "okay..."
"I am here to setup your blackberry... I JUST talked to you."
"Okay."
"..... do you have your blackberry?"
"No"
"Did you leave it at home?"
"No"
"..... do you HAVE a blackberry?"
"No."
"Ah. Okay. Well, when you get one let me know, then we can help you set it up."

*sigh*

Shake Rattle and Roll

I am going to start off with taking some advice I gave to a co-worker the other day. I am just going to start typing whatever comes into my head until I find a way to open and close this blog. It really shouldn't be that hard, it is about some silly users who don't know how to use a computer, how hard can it be to write about that? I guess that just after so many posts, the creative aspect of writing is starting to go away. There are just so many ways I can open up with "So, this user walks in" or "I got a phone call from so and so". The setup is generally always the same, its just the punch line that changes. Any advice on what I can do/say to add more variety to my posts will be greatly appreciated.

"I need you to come down to the NRCC and take a look at some of the computer, people are saying they can't login." (see how I just hoped right into it there?)
As I try to sneak into the room without disturbing the meeting going on, I'm called about the instructor that I'm the IT guy, and anytime they need help, come see me. He then proceeds to tell me that there are several computers that are not working/people can't login to them. He also then tells me "I think this one computer is actually broken, it rattles when I shake it", to which I immediately replied, "Well then don't shake it! Its not a rattle!"
As for the non-working computers.... they where turned off. I just needed to turn them on.

/sigh

We don't need no stinkin wires.

While investigating a "User can not connect to the internet/network" ticket, I was also asked to help someone else in the same room. This is how that conversation went:

User: Can you get me a longer internet cord? As you can see, its stretching over my co-workers desk, and I don't want it to interfere with him. Its been like this for a week, and no one will help.

Me: [Pushes cable so it falls behind the desk that it is stretching across] Is that better?

User: .... yes.

/Facepalm

User: I need help printing.

Me: Okay. What seems to be the problem?

User: Where does the document go when I print?

Me: .... to the print device?

User: No, I mean which one?

Me: The printer you selected...?

User: But where is it?

[Nick looks over the computer and notices the user is attempting to print to "OneNote"]

Me: Well, first, you're not actually printing to a print device...

User: I know, but when this screen pops up [pointing to the OneNote image], where does it go?

Me: It goes to the screen...? The file doesn't move, it stays where you opened it from.

User: Okay, but then why can't I print it?

Me: Because you don't have an ACTUAL Printer selected.

User: I know because...

Me: Here. [Clicks on a printer] You're all set. Just hit print, and walk over to THAT printer to pick up what you want printed.

I'll be here all week....

User: I need some help when you get a second.

Me: Okay... what seems to be the problem?

User: I need your help to install a webpage.

Me: .... You need me to install a webpage?

User: Yes, I can't access *insert web page*

Me: You can't access it, or you can't get to it?

User: I can't get to it. I need you to install it.

Me: Okay, well what is the address?

User: I don't know. I just need you to install it for me.
Me: Do you know HOW a webpage works?

User: Yes, I just need you to install it.

[Walks across stage to users computer. Nick begins typing on keyboard while user looks over shoulder]

Me: So, is THIS the webpage you need installed?

User: YES! Thank you!

To be OR.....

So, there I was, minding my own business, when this woman walks into our office, stating she needs to get her profile setup on her laptop. So , I take her to the 'setup profile' station, and attempt to get her to login. It turns out, for whatever reason, the image was corrupted, and Windows was unable to verify the license. Fine, whatever, we, as IT had a solution to the problem. THAT is not where my all-star comes into play. What takes place over the next sixty seconds is what had me almost crying I was laughing so hard.

"Okay, we'll need to re-image your machine. You can either go back to your property manager and get a new computer, OR, you can wait 3-5 days for us to fix this one."

"Well, it doesn't sound like you're giving me a choice."

I smile politely and say okay, so you'll go get a replacement?

"Wait.... what? I thought you said its going to take 5 days to fix."

"I did say that, OR you can go get a replacement."

"So... what are my options?"

".... you're options are to go get a new computer, OR wait for this to be fixed."

"But, what are you going to do with this one if I go get a new computer?"
".... fix it."

"But why would I get a new computer if you're going to fix this one?"
"So you have a computer now, instead of in five days."
"So, you're going to give my property manager a broken computer?"

"No, we are going to fix this one. Whatever you decide, this computer will be fixed in three to five days, you choice is to WAIT, or NOT wait, and get a new one now."
"I don't understand."

At this point, I threw my hands up in the air. I had no other way to describe to this woman that she did in fact have a choice. Finally, she just gave up and said "You know, I'm tired, I don't want to deal with this now, I'll just wait for the computer to be fixed."

"Very good ma'am. Have a good weekend."

Wow.

Sorry, we're out of internets.

There was a power-surge in one of the buildings last night/this morning, which caused our network in the building to go 'offline'. While our network guys were fixing the problem, I was tapped to do the wonderful task of telling people as they walked in (because, they couldn't read the sign that we posted on the door), "There was a poor outage last night, and all of the internet/network at this site is currently unavailable. We are currently fixing the problem, and it will be ready when its ready."

The floor I was assigned is in fact, an "IT" floor. These people are government employee's. I had the following conversation, I kid you not, at LEAST five times.

Me: * Sch-peal*

User: Oh, well I can still user the internet right?

Me: No *Sch-peal*

User: Oh, well, I can still get email right?

Me: No, *Sch-peal*

User: Why not? It is just Outlook.

/facepalm

Whats in a name anyway?

Earlier today, I had one of the weirdest conversations of the past... well, few days anyway. I have been a part of MANY strange conversations in my day ("Who would win in a fight, a Cat or a Squirrel with a shoulder cannon?" being at the top of the list). This conversation wasn't with a user, but I still deem it blog-worthy.

As a setup, we were instructed to take inventory of all the equipment we have been issued. The email stated who we should send the email to. I am not the person. I share two common letters of my first name with the person, thats about it. His name is shorter than mine, and our last name are nothing alike.

I return to my desk after grabbing lunch, and notice someone looking at my name plate. I didn't think anything of it, until about five minutes later when I got an email with said persons equipment list. Being the smart-a$$ I am, I called him out saying I'm not the person that he needs to send this to. "Yes you are" he tells me. He then goes to my name plate and says "See?"

I look at the person next to me and say... "Yeah... thats my name, but again, I'm not the person you are suppose to send it to."

"Oh. Well, we need to change this nameplate then."

"....why?"

"Because, its not who it says it is."

"No, it does say who sits there. We don't need to change the nameplate, OR my name. You just need to send the email to the right person."

I can't make this stuff up.

User: I am having issues with my local printer. It is saying its "offline". I tried turning it off and back on again, but that didn't work.
Me: Have you tried plugging it in?
User: D'oh.

Explain it to me like I'm from the year 1985

I'm sure we've all had the preceding phrase (or a variation there of) muttered to us at some point in our lives.

I need you to go to your desktop, and click on "My Computer".
Go to my where?
Your desktop.
What is that?
.... you're desktop....
What is that?
The screen with all your icons.
Screen with all my icons...
You know the screen that shows up when you FIRST boot into windows.
Outlook?
No. The place with all the icons. My Computer. My Documents. Recycle Bin....
I don't have that.
I'm pretty sure you do ma'am.
Okay - I found my computer.
Good, double click on that.

The rest of the conversation just goes down hill from there. I mean, if someone doesn't know what the "Desktop" is, how are you suppose to explain a DOS Prompt or Network drives?

Power bone connects to the, Monitor bone...

This is another one of those no setup needed posts. Person complains his monitor doesn't power on, but it worked fine before he moved offices. *SPOILER ALERT* It wasn't plugged in.

LEGO my... D'oh!

I was going to hold off on writing this, but I decided, I needed to get something written in the month of April, so here we are.

Along with the test I suggested everyone take when they are hired, I am also going to recommend all new people get a pack of LEGOs with their welcome packet to see if they can understand the concept of putting together basic shapes.

I was playing phone tag of sorts with this particular user for a day or two. In my defense, my ticket only said it was a local printer install, so while I was attempting to make find a conveninet time for both of us, he was not my most pressing issue as he could always just walk the extra ten feet and go to the other print device. I walked into this person office and his boss says "Finally, (person x) can start working)!" So, I proceed to find out what needs to be done. Turns out, he needs his Docking Station, SECOND Monitor, Blackberry configured, and Printer setup. The only thing that actually requires IT help, is the Blackberry and printer setup, as they need software installed. The docking station and second monitor is "Put the round peg in the round hole" Sesame Street stuff that two and three year olds do (shout out to Peter and Aaron!). This user was apparently telling his boss that he couldn't do any work without all of his accessories setup.
I think I'm going to claim that I am unable to work because I don't have an iPad. I wonder if my company will cave and get me one....

Printer? I hardly knew her.

Phew. I am glad I got to blog one more time this month. Two thousand and ten started off pretty fast, but things started to slow down these past few weeks. However, if I haven't said it before, I am saying it now, never underestimate the power (or lack there of) of the human mind.

I received a ticket regarding a printer that "Suddenly stopped working". So, I go down to take a look at it. There, on the printer in question, is a note that says "Printer broken, ticket number ". Well, the first thing I notice, is the printer, is in fact turned off. Chuckling to myself, thinking there HAS to be more to this, I turn the print device back on. After it powers on and runs through the test, I get another notification of what just MIGHT be wrong with the printer. There, on the screen, is a message saying "replace toner on three drums". So, my question now isn't whats wrong with the printer, its "When was the "printer broken" sign put on the machine?" Was it when the message was displayed that you need to replace the toner, or was it placed on the machine when it was turned off?


/facepalm

Paper Weight

Ah blogging. How I have missed you. Its such a shame that I don't get more blog-worthy entries on a daily basis. I guess that just make the select few that much more special.

Now, pay attention, maybe you can help this user too!

Yesterday, we stopped in on a user who explained to us that his printer doesn't work properly. Apparently, the printer "shredded" paper as it was trying to feed. He then mentioned that it only does it when he puts a lot of paper in the tray, but when he puts about 3/4 the normal amount, the printer works fine. He then showed us, that the printer does in fact work, when he only put one ream of paper into the tray. The one tech that I was with told the user that he will "Take a look at the printer." Can you guess what I said to him, and what I advised the user to do in the future?

Change of pace

Every so often I stumble across some entertaining technological tidbit and feel compelled to share it. This is one of those times. The video is about the direction technology (and life) are headed, and how video games have influenced it. It may SOUND boring, but if you, or someone you know, plays games then you are familiar with the topics he speaks about and should definitely give this video a look. I found the last ten minutes highly entertaining.

http://kotaku.com/5479125/points-for-toothbrushing-the-gaming-speech-everyone-is-talking-about